7 BLUNDERS IN ASKING ASSERTIVELY

Seven blunders in asking for something:

1. Sounding apologetic “Sorry for asking…”
2. Expecting the person to refuse what you request
3. Prefacing your request with “You’re not going to like this but…”
4. Going round the world before you get to the point – & perhaps never reaching it!
5. Sounding and appearing passive, speaking in too soft tones that are hard to hear & averting your eyes
6. Using sarcasm: “isn’t it about time you shifted yourself?”
7. Bullying them: “You need to do this now or else…”

What makes these blunders so unassertive?

If you sound unsure of yourself or tell them something bad is coming, you might set yourself up for a ‘no’; it’s easier for the other person to refuse.

If you’re unclear and wordy, they may not know what you mean – or they may simply switch off before you get to the end of your sentence.

If your language is pressurising or demeaning, it can lead to resentment and uncomfortable relationships, so making it more difficult to ask in the future. 

Ask Assertively and Confidently

Here are 7 tips in asking assertively:

1. Before you ask, be clear in your mind what you want & convey it concisely
2. Using the confident “I” to ask, not the blaming “You” e.g. “I’d be grateful if you would”
3. Expect a ‘yes’
4. Speak with a clear voice and maintain comfortable eye contact
5. Be polite and respectful; listen to them and acknowledge their reply, addressing any concerns
6. Try to find a compromise arrangement if they say they cannot do exactly what you ask
7. Thank people when they agree to your request

If you know what you want, you will be able to convey it clearly. Deciding in advance (a) what you want ideally, (b) might get realistically & (c) what you’d accept as a fall-back, will help you negotiate.

If you are polite, listen and acknowledge, you keep dialogue open and relationships positive.

If you expect a ‘yes’, you are far more likely to get one.

To find out more, visit my website page about assertiveness, or sign up for my newsletter which gives tips and advice about assertiveness and other personal development topics.