Arguments and How To Handle Them

Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes you did!

Sometimes arguments clear the air. At other times, they blow things up out of all proportion. Things get said in the heat of the moment that inflame and are difficult to take back. Rather than mending the situation, they can lead to icy relations, even end a relationship. So how can you differ with someone, yet do your best to keep the relationship?

So, what’s best to avoid?

1. Pointing the finger: starting each sentence with “You did this” and “You did that” is likely to push you further apart and place the other person on the defensive. They might leap on the barricades and point the finger back at you. Then follows an unfriendly game of ping pong, with blame and counter blame.
2. Never and always: saying to someone “You never…” or “You always…” puts them in a corner from which there’s no escape, i.e. allows them no room for expressing anything about themselves other than what you’re accusing them of.
3. Critical body language: making it clear through your body language that you’re not interested in what they have to say, smirking or shaking your head, tutting, or huffing and puffing, raising your eyebrows or frowning. All these can irritate and cause someone else to feel dismissed, ridiculed or ignored.
4. Bringing up history: instead of focusing on the issue in hand, dragging up unrelated past issues can only stir the pot and make it harder to resolve the current situation. The issues multiply: “and another thing…” “and what about when you…” “I remember when you…”
5. Attacking the person rather than dealing with the situation: having a go at a person’s character, values, integrity or trying to make them feel small.

Do

1. Wait until the height of emotion has passed, such as anger, upset or disappointment, ideally for you and for them, so that you are both open to a two-way discussion.
2. Listen rather than jumping to your own defence. When people feel listened to it helps defuse the situation. Ideally acknowledge each other’s feelings as it goes a long way towards making some solution a possibility.
3. Stay with the situation and avoid getting personal. If they get personal, bring them back to the current situation.
4. Aim to find the common ground first and deal with more divisive issues later.
5. Ask the other person what they feel would resolve the issue and dissipate any difficult feelings. Then state similarly what would resolve it for you. It may involve reaching a compromise and accepting that there are some things you will continue to differ on, in aiming to find a mutually beneficial outcome so that you can continue for example with your friendship or work together as colleagues.

In summary

Most people dislike arguments, though there are some who thrive on them! You may want to develop skills and strategies to deal with difficult situations, whether you have one now or want to feel better able to handle them in future.  1-2-1 coaching gives you the opportunity to do this and provides space to reflect on strategies and solutions.

It helps to think through what you want to say and in more challenging situations, to practice in advance. In 1-2-1 coaching, you have the opportunity to do this and to receive feedback on how your communications come across.

If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful to develop your assertive skills, do get in touch via my email or website.  You are also welcome to book a 20-minute call (£15, phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.