When I ask someone what they think an assertive person is like, they’ll often say ‘forceful’ and ‘pushy’, ‘bossy’ and ‘demanding’, that they ‘tread on other people’s toes’ and ‘get their own way’.
I have often heard complaints about people being “too assertive” or “over assertive”. It is more likely that these complaints refer people who are aggressive, not assertive.
What is assertiveness?
So if assertiveness isn’t about being forceful and pushy, what is it?
There are many myths about assertiveness. ’Getting your own way no matter what’ is one of them. Assertiveness involves asking for what you want, clearly and politely; it does not mean pressurising and leaving the other person with no choice. However, by being clear about what you want, you are more likely to get a positive response.
Of course some situations require a more directive approach, such as if you’re managing an emergency, like a fire alarm going off
In relationships generally, whether personal or professional, you are far more likely to gain the desired outcome if you engage in conversation that is diplomatic and respectful… and so maintain a positive relationship.
Here are five of the many differences between assertion & aggression:
One: Assertiveness means recognising your needs and feelings and expressing them appropriately. Aggressiveness means imposing your needs and ignoring the needs, feelings and opinions of others.
Two: Assertiveness involves saying no politely in a way that says no to the request without rejecting the person. An aggressive NO is likely to be blunt, leaving the other person with difficult feelings such as hurt and rejection.
Three: Assertiveness requires:
- – Using excellent listening skills
- – The ability to listen without interrupting
- – Showing that you are listening
- – Engaging with the other person
Aggressive behaviour can mean either not listening at all or half listening, or butting in. It may even involve taking over the conversation and turning it back to yourself.
Four: Assertive behaviour may mean being prepared to compromise in order to resolve conflict, at least trying to find the common ground and negotiate on the differences. There will be other times when assertion means standing your ground, stating your case clearly, without manipulating, engaging in open discussion. Aggressive behaviour means refusal to negotiate, being adamant about having what you want and being reluctant even to listen to the views of the other party.
Five: Assertiveness means taking responsibility for your feelings and actions and using ‘I’ statements, such as “I’m very pleased that you….” Or “I’m surprised you took a decision without asking me first”. Aggression means blaming others for how you feel and for what happens to you, such as “You’ve let me down”. “You’re late as usual”, “You get on my nerves!”
Assertiveness involves these eight characteristics & skills:
- – Clarity
- – Confidence
- – Diplomacy
- – Honesty
- – Integrity
- – Respect
- – Sensitivity
- – Self-respect
It means being:
- – An excellent communicator
- – Someone who can convey complex ideas and facts clearly and concisely
- – Someone who can listen openly without making judgements and assumptions before the other person has had a chance to speak
It’s interesting to pose the question: Who in the public eye is assertive? Which celebrities, sportsmen & women, presenters, journalists, politicians?
Quiz: Food for thought
Do you think the following have more assertive or aggressive characteristics: Stephen Fry, Barack Obama, Jeremy Paxman, Alan Sugar, Margaret Thatcher, Donald Trump, Oprah Winfrey? What are their assertive or aggressive behaviours?
Assertiveness is a fascinating and valuable trait which can affect every aspect of our lives. Whether you are interested in assertiveness skills for your personal or professional relationships, coaching can help.
To find out more, contact me or find my daily assertiveness tips on Twitter.
