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The power of assertiveness
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Do you ever struggle to:
- express your needs?
- say ‘no’?
- say how you feel?
- put your views across?
- respond to criticism with confidence?
- cope with manipulative & other difficult people?
- Build your assertiveness through coaching or my self-help assertive training eBook, or a combination.
What is assertiveness?
I see assertiveness as a powerful way of behaving and communicating based in equality and respect for yourself and for others.
Our assertiveness coaching sessions provide a safe space for you to discuss difficulties, devise strategies and practice skills as if you were in the real life situation. It will help you to speak up for yourself, and with greater clarity and confidence, express your feelings and opinions,and better deal with difficult people and situations. It will help you set boundaries including to protect your time, manage conversations, work demands and availability for work and meetings, as well as intrusions upon your personal space, time and information.
Have you got lots to do before Christmas? These planners will help you get on top of your tasks.
My last-minute Christmas Planner is a perfect tool to help you stay organised during the festive period!
Did you know I offer a FREE 20 minutes?
Our free introductory conversation, without obligation, is for you to explain your reasons for getting in touch and ask any questions you have about coaching. You can choose between a Zoom or phone call.
As a result of our assertiveness coaching sessions, you can greatly increase your confidence as a communicator both in personal life and in your working relationships. In contributing more confidently in meetings, whether 1-2-1 or in larger gatherings, you can enhance your effectiveness in the workplace. Assertiveness can enable you to achieve a better work-life balance and progress your career.
Assertiveness comprises a range of principles, behaviours, strategies & communication skills. It turns negative and inflammatory language into positive and constructive messages. It’s applications are diverse, such as standing up for yourself and making your voice heard, to handling criticism & giving developmental feedback.
In the words of Anthony Robbins: “The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
Communicating with assertiveness helps you prevent some difficulties arising in the first place and enables you to address those difficulties that do arise. It enables you to confront a range of difficult behaviours, whether passive or aggressive, from quiet and uncommunicative to devious and manipulative to loud and aggressive.
Assertiveness is so often confused with aggressive behaviour; in reality they are poles apart. To ask assertively is to ask directly, yet courteously and respectfully; to ask aggressively could involve putting on the pressure and sound more like telling than asking. To refuse assertively is to be clear and confident, and polite, so that having said ‘no’ you don’t get drawn back in and offer to do what you don’t wish to do. It’s also avoiding abruptness or unpleasantness, or making it sound personal.
Fast track your assertiveness skills with 1-2-1 coaching
Bring assertiveness and relationship issues into your coaching or opt for a structured assertiveness training programme, learning assertiveness principles, strategies and skills and practising applying them to real life issues that affect you, personally and/or professionally.
Benefits of assertiveness training
- Clarify and then ask for what you want
- Say no to what you don’t want & preventing people from pressurising you to change your mind in their favour
- Distinguish between put downs & criticism & respond effectively
- Handle criticism of your behaviour or performance at work
- Reduce & manage stressful situations
- Become an excellent listener, key to communication & being assertive
- Gain confidence to deal with others on an equal basis regardless of your respective roles.
- Manage and motivate your team
- Deal with difficult behaviour or underperformance in others
- Contribute effectively in meetings
- Become a better Time Manager
By developing assertive skills in being clear, honest and succinct, listening to and empathising with others, acting with diplomacy & sensitivity yet standing your ground, you will be more able to address awkward situations both at work and at home. During your Life Coaching sessions we are able not only to explore the use of Assertiveness skills, but to focus on people and situations you wish to address, identify strategies and how to use assertiveness skills effectively.
See my booking and fees options here or email me for more information.
There are many potential benefits from assertiveness.
There are times you will want someone else to change their behaviour and you can ask them. They may concur with your request. However, the one behaviour you can defiinitely change if you choose to, is your own.
Life Coaching will help you become more assertive and enable you to behave & communicate more confidently in your personal & professional relationships, aiming at win-win solutions & enhancing your self-esteem.
I also offer a self-help course: 21 Steps Towards a More Assertive You.
Focus on assertiveness skills & strategies
Below you will find lots of information on assertive principles, skills & strategies, which I will be updating regularly.
How assertive are you? Try this mini self-assessment to discover which of these assertive behaviours you recognise in yourself and which are more difficult for you. This can be a starting point for deciding how to prioritise the changes you wish to make.
Assertive people:
- Use ‘I’ statements instead of pointing the finger at “YOU”.
- Listen attentively
- Ask for what they want politely
- Refuse what they don’t want courteously & clearly
- Exercise choice, make decisions
- Listen to criticism and accept or reject it
- Accept compliments
- Acknowledge and praise other people’s qualities and achievements
- Accept that other people have limitations
- Express positive and negative feelings
- Acknowledge and accept their strengths and weaknesses
- Have a healthy level of self-esteem
- Enjoy today and set goals for tomorrow
- Empower themselves and others
Assertive people are:
Direct, risk-taking, diplomatic, honest, caring, negotiating, challenging, initiating, non-judgmental, spontaneous and proactive. To be assertive you will also need to be an excellent listener, to be able to be silent at times, show empathy and demonstrate you are listening. Avoid meaningless expressions like “I hear what you’re saying but…” which provides no evidence that you’ve heard!
Ask yourself, which assertive characteristics and behaviours do you identify for yourself, and which you would you like to develop?
What do you personally hope to gain from assertiveness?
You will see how effective it is to communicate assertively. Tick or highlight from the list below what you hope for and add below further hopes that are not listed here.
- Gain clarity about your needs & wishes, with a view to expressing them
- Establish & protect your boundaries
- Feel less pressed as a result of saying no to unwanted demands
- Speak up when you have something to say instead of simply wishing you could
- Ask confidently for help or support when it would benefit you
- Become more proactive, take more initiative
- Improve communication with family, friends & colleagues
- Overall build better relationships personally & professionally
Can you handle criticism?
Here we consider criticism, put downs and feedback.
How do you feel at the prospect of criticism or after it’s been delivered? Why can criticism feel so difficult?
It is common for people to feel on shaky ground at the prospect of criticism or on the receiving end of it. Feelings about criticism may stem from experiences in childhood. People who criticized us when we were small may not have differentiated between our behaviour and us as people. If they dished out labels such as ‘lazy’, ‘difficult’, ‘stupid’, these labels felt personal as if about the child’s whole being. Labels could be received from friends, their parents, our parents, teachers, and so on, and because they came from people who were important to the child, the labels were easy to believe. Therefore children can carry these beliefs into adulthood.
Criticism is often given badly, because the critic is anxious or unskilled, or even wants you to feel bad. The latter indicates a put down rather than genuine criticism. Therefore criticism can feel very disconcerting.
What are put downs?
Put downs are a form of verbal attack about you as a person. They are potentially destructive, designed to get you to feel bad about yourself. It is important to counter them so that you don’t believe and absorb them as this can dent your self-esteem. They are very different from constructive criticism which is to highlight something you could do differently and enable you to change. Some people have developed a habit or putting people down, it’s a part of the way they talk, and they may not even realise the adverse impact on others. Examples of put downs:
- You’re so selfish
- You’re so difficult/argumentative
- You’re just over-sensitive
Assertive skills & strategies
Question the person if the ‘criticism’ is unhelpful or sounds more like a put down: e.g. What do you mean when you say I’m being selfish? This puts the onus on them to explain.
Add something positive about yourself, such as: I’m not being selfish. This is very important for me. This is affirming for you and gives a clear message to them that you don’t accept their deprecating comment.
Dealing with criticism
Remember that criticism is someone else’s opinion. It may be a point of fact and so you may agree, yet it can also be something you don’t agree with or partly agree with, and partly disagree with.
In responding, use the assertive “I” statement. For example:
Agreeing: “I take on board what you’re saying and in future I will keep it in mind”.
Disagreeing: “I have a different perspective which I’d like to explain” or “I’d like to explain my approach to this”.
Partly agreeing: “I agree that ….however, I have a different view about ….”
The word ‘criticism’ tends to produce the expectation of something negative. Try thinking of it in terms of comments, feedback, suggestions, advice, an opinion. Stay calm, and respond thoughtfully and you will come across with far greater confidence than if you are sharp and defensive.
Constructive feedback is ideally feedback aimed at encouraging you to change an aspect of your performance or behaviour. When poorly given it can feel like negative feedback, or disciplinary feedback. You may need to draw on all your interpersonal skills to help the giver be more constructive and to produce a constructive outcome.
To be able to give constructive feedback yourself, you need:
1. To have your emotions under control.
2. To avoid accusatory, inflammatory and derogatory language
3. To clarify the gap between current performance or behaviour and what is expected
4. To involve the other person and ask if they recognise what you’ve described
5. To agree an action plan together.
To be able to receive it constructively you need:
- a good sense of self, to be able to value who you are and what you do
- to be aware of and accepting of where you could improve
- a willingness to learn from your mistakes
- to have sufficient sense of your qualities, skills and abilities to disagree where you feel the feedback is unjust or inappropriate
- to understand that because you have done something that another person criticises or complains about it doesn’t mean you are a bad person.
Criticism, skillfully given with a positive intention, can help develop a self-awareness we wouldn’t otherwise have; it helps us consider and change our behaviour if we so choose. Someone is offering us the chance to change for the better.
One thing is certain: most people will experience forms of criticism throughout their lives in different contexts, sometimes work-related, sometimes personal. What is important is to listen to what’s being said and not to shut down, get defensive or go on the attack. If you feel angry, don’t react in the moment of emotion. If your emotion is to strong, wait until you can answer calmly and confidently with assertiveness.
Testimonials
“You have changed my life. Quite literally. Thanks to you, I understand the negative effects of being 'too nice' and learnt the value of being assertive. I find I surprise myself all the time, by speaking my mind, by using confident language or by enjoying situations (like presentations) that I would have agonised over and stressed about for weeks. I feel I can rationalise my fears now, and I practise at being assertive all the time and remind myself of my talents.”
"Lucy's coaching has given me a language of assertiveness which has helped me to speak up and feel confident in my own voice. Her support and empathy as a personal coach have been invaluable."
"You showed me the way forward, Lucy. Thanks to your one-to-one sessions I have now a constructive, confident and kind approach to potential conflicts. My newly acquired skills in assertiveness have simplified and improved my life in a big way. I am very happy with the results and so is my husband now that we have the communication tools we needed to work on our relationship to our mutual satisfaction. I am very grateful. Thank you".
Did you know I offer a FREE 20 minutes?
Our free introductory conversation, without obligation, is for you to explain your reasons for getting in touch and ask any questions you have about coaching. You can choose between a Zoom or phone call.
