Manipulative people don’t have the courage or skills to put their viewpoint directly. Instead they employ every technique to trick the unsuspecting person into doing what they want. It is probably one of the most difficult forms of behaviour to handle yet also one of the most common amongst family, friends and in the office. So what can you do about it?
Step One: Recognize it. Be aware of the methods and common expressions used. These include: trying to make you feel guilty; isolating you to make you feel you’re in the wrong and so generating the seeds of self-doubt, eg. “no one else would agree with you”; giving you commands like, “You really should…”; or deterrents like,“You can’t possibly do that” or flattery eg. “But you’re so good at it”; deprecation “You’ll never be able to”; self-deprecation “If I do it, it’ll be a disaster”; avoidance to get you to take the responsibility eg: “I don’t mind”; showing that they’re rooting for you and everything is for your benefit, eg. “It’s a wonderful opportunity for you”; implying you haven’t got a sense of humour such as, “Can’t you take a joke?”
It isn’t only the words and phrases that give you the clue, but the tone of voice. This may be sarcastic, resentful, patronising, even effusive. It may be loaded as in: You: “Can you do this for me today?” Them: “OKAAAY”. The resentment in the tone really means NO, how dare you ask me to do this for you. If you don’t retract now, I won’t do it anyway!” They say OKAAAY then sabotage it.
Step 2: Self-disclose how you feel on the receiving end of their behaviour such as‘I’m confused…’ or‘I’m feeling uncomfortable or disconcerted…’ if you feel this self-disclosure will be helpful and express your feelings appropriately. eg “I’m unclear (or confused). When you say you “don’t mind”, are you saying “Yes” or “No”? (see Step 3, Asking for Clarification)
Step Three: Ask for clarification if it would help you respond appropriately. For example: “Everyone else thinks so”. Ask: “Who else thinks so” “What was their view exactly?” Another example is “I don’t mind”. Check this out: “I’d like to know what you’d prefer”.
Step Four: Reflect back their words in some form both to show that you’ve really heard them and also so that their hear their own words from your mouth. For example: “It’s a great opportunity for you” – “Yes, it is a great opportunity”
Step Five: Put your point of view. Using the above example you might develop it thus: “Yes it could be a great opportunity. However, “I’ve decided not to accept it”.
Step Six: Request a change of behaviour, asking them to be clear with you in future ‘In future I’d much rather know what you’d prefer instead of saying that you don’t mind’
Finally, use an assertive tone of voice which is calm, measured clear and not clipped, sarcastic or judgemental. Be wary of mirroring the manipulator’s tone.
This is the final part of my blog series about manipulative behaviour. I hope the two posts have been helpful. If you would like to discuss the topic further, please do contact me or follow me on Twitter.
