Do you meet, live, or work with any difficult people? Your manager, a colleague or customer, close friend, partner or relative?
Here’s an example of a conversation between two people about a third, so-called ‘difficult person’:
How do you get on with x colleague?
Really well. I like them. How about you?
I find them very difficult. Unhelpful.
I am surprised. I find them very helpful.
I wonder if you can recall any similar conversations. It’s interesting how one person can get on well with someone whom another finds difficult.
This could be as a result of how one or both parties communicate with each other or a case of personal chemistry, or lack of it!
A dictionary of difficult people
During my many years as a coach and trainer, clients have brought to me their experiences of trying to deal with a wide range of behaviours, not only of the aggressive type, but passive too. Here’s my mini dictionary of them. Do add any you can think of.
- Aggressive, antagonistic, attention seeking and anxious
- Blaming and brusque
- Cold, controlling, and callous
- Defensive, dithering, dismissive and domineering
- Egotistical, envious, and erratic
- Flippant and fickle
- Gossiping and grumpy
- Hurtful, hyper-critical and hypocritical
- Indecisive, indiscreet, insensitive
- Judgemental
- Know-it-all
- Lazy, long-winded, and loud
- Manipulative, moody, mumbling
- Negative, neurotic and nosey
- Obstinate, off-hand, opinionated
- Patronising, pressurising
- Quarrelsome
- Repetitive and rude
- Selfish, self-pitying, stroppy
- Temperamental, timid, and two-faced
- Unclear, unfocussed, unreliable
- Vague and volatile
- Whittering and woolly
- Xenophobic
- Yes-person
- Zealot
From people to behaviours
Which of these behaviours do you find a challenge?
What other behaviours have you personally experienced as challenging?
These behaviours are diverse. Some are openly aggressive whilst others are passive, and it’s hard to know what the person wants or thinks, yet others such as manipulative are indirect and confusing.
You may note here that I have changed my language from difficult people to difficult behaviours. People often refer to others as difficult people, yet we are looking at how to manage a behaviour rather than the person as a whole. Using a judgmental word such as “You’re so rude” isn’t likely to produce a positive response. Best to consider and convey how you’d like them to behave, what you want them to say, in place of their current behaviour.
In the next blog we will explore strategies and skills in responding to difficult behaviours.
If you would like to access support in dealing assertively with difficult behaviours, do contact me.
