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Dealing with difficult people
An article by Lucy Seifert Life Coach London
Do you know anyone who is:
- difficult?
- aggressive, bullying and blaming?
- arrogant and know-it-all?
- moody or manipulative?
- constantly negative and critical?
These are just a few examples of challenging behaviours you may meet in your professional and/or personal life.
How can coaching help in dealing with anger, conflict & difficult people?
Assertiveness coaching offers you the space to talk freely about your concerns, and helps you explore strategies and learn skills to deal with difficult behaviours and situations in your life. You may wish to manage your own anger more positively or cope with others’ anger or difficult emotions, such as annoyance, disappointment, anxiety or upset. Discover too your own style in handling conflict, and whether you’re a shark, turtle, teddy bear, fox or an owl. Explore creative strategies in dealing with disagreement.
You can also boost your assertiveness & communicate with confidence using my self-help guide – with the option of combining this with coaching.
Types of Difficult People:
There are so many difficult behaviours. Starting with the letter A, there’s argumentative, arrogant & attention-seeking! How many will fill up an A to Z?However, there are many strategies and skills to confront them! Looking at your options with confidence and assertiveness will help you manage the difficult people in your life. Let’s look at a few you might meet day to day, with some helpful starting points.
Anger and Conflict
Anger and conflict can be destructive, yet anger channelled constructively can lead to positive change while conflict well-handled can clear the air and create more enduring relationships. When people are angry they need time to vent. Only then can they move on. Avoid addressing difficulties when your emotions or others’ emotions are at their height. It’s best to sleep on it, then think about it rationally and what you want to gain when you engage with the person.
Bullying
Bullying can be a devastating experience and bully behaviours range from subtle to downright threatening.
Bullies chip away at your confidence and self-esteem, putting down what you do & offering no praise, deriding your work yet taking credit for what you do well, blaming you when things don’t go according to plan, watching over your shoulder and leaving you no space for creativity. This in itself can lead you to make forced errors which the bully will further use against you.
How can you know it is happening?
You are likely to experience symptoms of severe stress, headaches, sleeplessness, forgetfulness and, in the event of workplace bullying, a desire not to go into work. You may become withdrawn and uncommunicative. Yet one of the most important things you can do is to communicate what is happening to someone you truly trust, not to keep it a secret because you feel ashamed or fearful of the bully’s threats.
Indecision
Indecision can be highly frustrating. People may say “I don’t mind” to be nice, but the reality is they are dumping all the decisions on to you. This can be simple questions like “Do you want tea or coffee” to personal choices about annual holidays and work issues about policy. So make it clear you want to know what they want rather than taking decisions on their behalf, no matter how small.
Manipulation
Manipulation is one of the hardest to deal with. Why? It’s because it’s so hard to recognise. You may get a feeling something isn’t quite right, but can’t put your finger on it. Manipulators use all kind of artistry and trickery from sarcasm to false flattery to get you to do something you don’t want to do against your better judgement. So what can you do about it?
Here are a few examples of manipulative language. “You’re so good at this. No one can do it as well as you can”. A clever ploy, as flattery is so irresistible. “No one else would agree with you”, to isolate you so you change your mind. Step one is to recognise you’re being manipulated.
Nosey Parkers
Nosey questions are embarrassing. Some people love delving into your personal and work life, asking you questions like:
“Where do you live?” “You’ve gone up in the world. How much do you earn now?” “Are you dating?” “How old are you?” “What’s your phone number?” “Where do you live?”
So is it the person, the question or the way each of us views things that is nosey? One person is fine saying where they live and their age, or what they do for a living, while someone else will reel in horror.
Here’s a mini self-assessment for you to try to help you handle this behaviour. Considering the questions above as well as those that follow here, note which you feel comfortable answering and which not, depending who is asking. What’s your address? Do you own or rent? Have you paid off your mortgage? Do you have a partner? Are you married? Do you have kids? Why haven’t you been promoted yet? Do you get on with your boss?
So first be aware of what kinds of questions you feel fine about answering and in what situations. It’s up to you to set your own boundaries as to the type of information you give away. Take care not to get drawn in because you feel embarrassed refusing and so end up giving away information you want to keep private. Avoid abrupt responses like “Mind your own business” and be clear and polite, such as “I don’t like discussing my finances at work”.
Sulking and the Silent Treatment
Sulkers won’t talk when they’re unhappy about something but rather go into a long drawn out silence. Some genuinely can’t find the words to talk or feel too emotional to talk things over. Others resort to the Silent Treatment, an aggressive form of silence designed to make you feel bad.
Try showing some understanding initially, that you are interested and willing to listen when they feel ready to talk. If their silence continues, express how you feel affected by their behaviour, such as: “I’m concerned about you and I’m ready to listen when you feel like talking”. Prolonged Silent Treatment may need confronting, to flag up the effect it’s having, asking the reason and how it can be resolved.
The Next Step
Coaching is a positive, non-judgemental way of achieving positive change. Why not have a free, no-obligation chat about your situation? Please do contact me to arrange a mutually convenient time to talk.
During coaching, we can discuss ways to confront difficult behaviours and resolve issues between you and how to manage where realistically a resolution will prove hard to come by. Avoid pointing the finger and accusatory language and identify the common ground between you. Come through knowing you did your best and above all preserved your integrity.
Plus, if you want more information, please request my Newsletter about Difficult People – Nosey Parkers – and any others which look interesting to you. Click here to see the full range of titles and to sign up to receive them in future.