In my work as both life coach and trainer, a common difficulty expressed by clients and participants is that of asking for help. This affects people across the board, young students, office workers, professionals and junior to senior management.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low and 10 being high, how hard do you find it to ask for help?
If you have scored 5 or above, let’s consider what the reasons might be.
You might like to try this mini quiz by noting any you recognise in yourself.
What stops you asking for help?
Feeling embarrassed- Worry about bothering others
- Concern that everyone is so busy already
- Expecting the person to say ‘no’
- A sense of pride
- A belief that you should be able to do it
- Thinking that an inability to do it all yourself is a weakness on your part
- Thinking that an inability to do it all yourself will be viewed by others as a weakness
- Being regarded as a nuisance by those you ask
- Not knowing whom to ask
- Not knowing how to ask
- What else stops you?
Feeling embarrassedHow to ask for help
Strategies
The first step is seeking help is to recognise that you need it. This might be because you’re unfamiliar with the task, you don’t have enough time to carry it through alone or you need information or guidance.
The second step is to identify the best person/people to approach. They will have the knowledge and skills and are likely to be receptive to your request.
The skills
1. Use assertive language, positive, not apologetic, avoiding expressions such as “I’m terribly sorry to disturb you” or “Could you possibly spare a few minutes?”
2. Plan what you want to say in advance based on what outcome you would ideally like. Use the assertive skills of being direct, specific and explain in a logical order. Clarify exactly the help that you want, whether it’s time, a skill, knowledge, information or hands-on assistance. Explain the background and ask confidently as if you’re expecting a “Yes”.
Example: I’d very much appreciate your help this afternoon. I have a project to complete by the end of the week and I’d like any advice or guidance you could give from when you handled a similar project last year. When would suit you to go over it for 30 minutes today?
Be appreciative when they agree and confirm the arrangement: e.g. “I appreciate it and look forward to speaking at 1.30pm.”
3.
Be an assertive listener: give your full attention to what they say and make a note of any questions you have for when they finish, except questions for clarification that you might want to ask as you go along. It’s best to let the person finish rather than interrupting their flow of thought.
4. Once you’ve completed what you set out to do, feed back to them how helpful they were and what it’s enabled you to do. You may want to add that you’d be happy to reciprocate if the need arises.
In summary
Asking for help is a strength not a weakness and it’s important to recognise it as such. It’s an essential part of life, it’s how we learn and progress. Whilst self-reliance is an important quality, recognising where help will make a difference and asking for it with confidence, will increase your skills, cognitive and practical, reduce stress, and result in better time management. Furthermore, positive words, appreciation and an update on the impact of the help contribute to improving relationships.
For more detailed information on the struggle to ask for help, I would draw your attention to this this very interesting article in the Harvard Business Review.
Life coaching is a great way of exploring the areas where you’d value help and determining the best of achieving this. Together, we discover the best way for you to achieve positive change.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a 20-minute call (£15, phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.
