My previous blog explored the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive and invited you to try a behaviour self-assessment, to reflect on the range of behaviours you tend to draw on.
Key Assertive Skills
If you would like to discard some unassertive behaviours and develop a more assertive approach, consider these key assertive skills.
1. Know what you want to achieve.
If you don’t know what you want from a situation and when you communicate with another person, they certainly won’t know either. It will also weaken what you say. So,think clearly before you speak whether speaking to one person or at a meeting.
2. Be specific, be concise.
Get to the point right away, whilst being courteous. If you waffle and hesitate, you’re less likely to be listened to and may even sidetrack yourself.
3. Acknowledge what others say.
It’s important to show others that you’re genuinely listening to them; you can do this both through responsive body language & by referring to what they’ve said, using some of their words. They will know that you’ve listened actively to them and are then more inclined to listen to you.
4. Use empathy.
An empathetic approach is helpful in building relationships. Show an understanding of other people’s feelings and difficulties. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. You are showing that you have listened to and understand their perspective.
5. Don’t justify yourself.
There’s no need to justify asking for something or refusing someone else’s request. It’s helpful if you have important information to back up your stance but not if it’s stated apologetically.
6. Sell the benefits of agreement to your request.
People tend to respond positively when they hear the benefits. For example: “I’d appreciate if I could work on my presentation to customers from home tomorrow morning so I can fine tune it and practice in time for the event in the afternoon”. This is more effective than simply asking: “Can I work from home in the morning?”
7. Use confident and respectful “I” statements.
I’m interested to know… I’d like to…. I’d appreciate it if you could…I’m concerned… I’d like to make you aware…I’d like to add a point here…I’d like to come in at this point. Note the difference between these requests and asking permission: “Would you” “May I” “Would you mind”, “Could I?”
8. Workable compromise.
It isn’t always possible to get agreement to your request. If you and the other person don’t see eye to eye, seek to find an alternative solution which is acceptable to both parties. Instead of “I win & you lose” or “You win, and I lose”, aim for “I win & you win” outcomes and make clear that you’d like to find a compromise.
Summing Up
These are a few of the core assertive skills. It helps to think through what you want to say and in more challenging situations, to practice in advance. In 1-2-1 coaching, you have the opportunity to do this and to receive feedback on how your communications come across.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful to develop your assertive skills, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a 20-minute call (£15, phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.
