In the previous blog, ‘How to Understand ‘Silent Treatment’, we considered what motivates this awkward behaviour and how to understand it better. Here are some tips to help you manage it sensitively and assertively.
There are four main stages.
- The first is to show a willingness to listen and understand.
- The second is to find out what the problem is in order to establish steps to resolve it.
- The third is to be clear about the effect on you (and upon others) and to aim for a solution.
- The fourth is with people who repeatedly use silence passively or aggressively and to seek to get them to change this pattern of behaviour and to express, not suppress, their needs and feelings.
Five tips for responding to silent treatment assertively:
1. If someone is sulking, they may be unable to speak due to feeling unhappy or distressed. Some genuinely can’t find the words to talk or feel too emotional to talk things over. Try showing understanding and empathy. Express your interest and willingness to listen to them when they feel ready. You may want to ask if there’s someone else who could help. See if you can find what they want to help them feel better.
2. If the behaviour continues for a day or more, you could express how you feel affected and your concerns about them. “I’m concerned about you. Can you give me some indication of what’s happened?” If it continues: “I’m finding this difficult. I feel shut out and I’d like to understand what the cause is”.
3. Ask problem solving questions designed to resolve the issue: ‘What do you suggest we do to resolve this situation?’ ‘Is there something I can do to help?’ ‘Is there someone else who can help?’ ‘What can we do to reduce your pressures at work, while you are coping with your problems at home?’
4. If the behaviour is used to try to manipulate you, acknowledge their feelings and be clear about what you want. For example, “I can only guess that you’re not speaking to me at the moment because of my decision to work abroad for a period. I’m sorry you’re upset about it, but I do need to further my career and I hope you’ll understand. Let’s at least discuss how we can make this manageable for us both.”
5. To the person who uses this regularly, explain the negative impact it has on all around including themselves. How much better it would be if they talk about their needs and feelings so that a resolution can be found. Without an open conversation, there is no possibility of a solution.
In brief
Silence used manipulatively can constitute an attempt to get you to be unassertive. They want you to guess how they feel and help them feel better by meeting their needs. Instead, you can be direct to encourage them to be clear and honest and assertive and to find a way to resolve the situation.
This is one of many difficult behaviours that can prove a challenge. If you would like to manage such conversations with confidence and assertiveness, 1-2-1 coaching can help you think through what you want to say.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful to develop your assertive skills, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a 20-minute call (£15, phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.
