This is the first of two blogs on the topic of silent treatment.
Silence can be beneficial, or discomforting. It can offer valuable thinking time for individuals and in groups. The chair of a meeting, for example, can use silence effectively to allow time for more reticent members to summon the courage to speak; conversely the chair can use silence to unsettle the audience or attendees at a meeting, to make them feel uneasy.
We see that silence can be used both positively and negatively. It can be used passively (to withdraw and avoid) or manipulatively (in the hope the other person will guess what’s wrong) or aggressively (to punish).
Understanding silent treatment
The reasons for this behaviour are many and a person who sulks or gives you the silent treatment could be behaving passively, passive-aggressively, or aggressively.
Passive behaviour
The person could:
- Feel anger, bitterness, or resentment, yet not be able to find the right words to express themselves with confidence and assertiveness. Many people never verbalise their anger.
- Be shy and withdrawn and find it hard to express themselves, especially on personal matters.
- Want you to guess what they want because they don’t have the courage to be direct.
- Feel depressed and unable to express their needs and feelings and so suppress them instead.
Passive aggressive behaviour
The person could:
- Want you to feel uncomfortable and leave you not knowing what it’s about.
- Try to make you feel guilty about doing or not doing something.
- Feel unhappy and want everyone around them to know it and suffer (this behaviour is
usually called sulking)
Aggressive behaviour
The person could frown, make faces, huff and puff but not express in words what they think and feel and what they want from you. They intend for you:
- To feel the frustration of being unable to communicate and find out the reasons for their behaviour.
- To be disempowered by the inability to have a conversation about what is bothering them and what has come between you so you can find a solution.
- To be left feeling bad and not knowing what to do.
Other reasons for silence
There are other explanations. For example, they could:
- Be preoccupied with a personal problem which has nothing to do with you, but which affects
their ability to concentrate at work or to communicate. - Be reflecting on something that’s been said and need time to digest it and think of a response.
Whatever the reason and intention, it can feel very difficult for the person on the receiving end. Taken to extremes someone may ‘ghost’ you, ending a relationship abruptly without explanation and you may never know the reason.
In summary
This is one of many difficult behaviours that can prove a challenge. If you would like to manage such conversations with confidence and assertiveness, 1-2-1 coaching can help you think through what you want to say.
If you feel 1-2-1 coaching would be helpful to develop your assertive skills, do get in touch via my email or website. You are also welcome to book a 20-minute call (£15, phone or Zoom) to find out how coaching can help you.
The next blog will look at how to respond to silent treatment.
