Manipulative behaviour is very complex. We often don’t realise it’s happening. People don’t specify what they want or what they mean, but instead use indirect methods so that you’ll either try to guess their meaning or feel so guilty or otherwise responsible for them that you’ll agree to do something you’d prefer not to do. It’s easy to be drawn in and you may unwittingly or even knowingly collude!
Why are manipulators so indirect?
Answer: they lack the courage to say what they want.
They may deceive themselves, and initially other people, into thinking they’re powerful as they wield their weapons of trickery and deceit.
Manipulators have so many methods up their sleeve, from sarcasm to sulking, putting you down to false flattery, from ‘poor me’ to arrogance and temper tantrums to the silent treatment.
Spotting Manipulative Behaviour
Spotting that it’s happening is a major challenge. After all, manipulators can turn it into a fine art to get their way. All you know is that something isn’t quite right. You may feel confused, angry and irritated, unsure which way to turn, what to do.
So to help you know when it’s happening to you, here are some popular phrases wielded by manipulators. Watch out for them.
- ‘If you were really my friend, you’d…’ (emotional bribe)
- ‘If you do that, I don’t know what I’ll do’ (another emotional bribe)
- ‘If I were you…’ (deciding for you)
- ‘I think you should…’ (telling you what to do)
- ‘If you do this for me, I’ll do that for you’ (bribery)
- ‘I’m always doing things for you’ (attempt to make you feel guilty)
- ‘I would do it for you’ (another attempt to make you feel guilty)
- You’re the only one who thinks that way (isolating you)
- ‘If I do it, it’ll be a disaster’ (self-put-down)
- ‘If you do it, it’ll be much better’ (planned flattery) – and who can resist a bit of flattery?
Now take a few moments to reflect. Do you know anyone who uses these phrases& techniques? How many more can you think of? How do you tend to react? Do you ever go against your better judgement? How can you change that?
Take a look at some of the soaps on TV. They are full of manipulators for manipulative behaviour is the very stuff of drama. “How dare you do that” “Who do you think you are?” “No one will ever trust you again if you ….” No wonder it creates waves if we let it flourish in real life!
Look out for my next blog with some top tips for communicating with manipulators. I regularly post ideas on Twitter too
