Difficult people and behaviours can be exhausting to deal with. In this blog we will explore strategies and skills in responding to difficult behaviours.
Here are three key tips:
1. Avoid blaming and accusations and using the word “You”.
“You’re so annoying”, “You’ve upset me”, “You’re so demanding”, “You’ve let me down” – these accusations are likely to meet a defensive reaction. Example: “You’ve let me down” – “No I haven’t”.
Example: “You’ve upset me” – “Well you’re over-sensitive”. Instead of “You”, use “I”, a key skill of assertiveness and say how you’re affected by the behaviour as well as specifically what that behaviour is.
Example: “I was upset/unhappy/taken aback when I heard you’d decided on a date for the move without consulting me. I’ve a lot to organise to be able to move by then”. There are options as to how to respond. You can acknowledge you accept the current situation eg. “I appreciate it would be difficult to change the moving date” and state your future needs: “I’d like your assurance that in future I’ll be consulted on matters that affect me too”. Alternatively, you may want to seek to change the current situation: eg “I’m not able to put everything in place to move in two weeks and I’d like you to rearrange it for a month’s time”.
2. Manage your emotions.
If your emotions are high, it’s not the best time to confront. Best ‘sleep on it’ and allow some of the strong feelings to dissipate, otherwise strong words can be spoken that are hard to take back and you may regret. This is particularly the case if you feel very angry. However, if you’re upset and feel depressed by someone’s words or behaviour, the depth of emotion may make it difficult for you to articulate what you want to say. It helps to have time to reflect and think about what you want to achieve in having a conversation.
Feeling highly emotional makes it hard to think clearly and the same is true for the other person if their emotions are highly charged. They are unlikely to want to listen or accept anything you say. So, it can be best to wait a little, but not too long!
3. Consider what positive outcomes you want and state them.
Often people engage in conversation without knowing what they want out of it. They know what they don’t like and don’t want, but have they thought about what they want the other person to change in their difficult behaviour.
“You’re so selfish” may be what you feel and think, but is it the best thing to say? What behaviour is selfish? What effect did it have? What would you like the other person to do instead and what would be the benefits of this change of behaviour?
This way you are also helping the other person to make a change, encouraging them in a particular direction as in the above example in strategy (1) asking the other person for their assurance about their behaviour in the future. It’s useful too to sell the benefits of a change of behaviour. eg. “If we consult on important matters, we will both be properly prepared”. And If they agree to change their behaviour, remember to say “thank you”.
Are you affected by difficult people at work or personally?
These are just three of many strategies in dealing with difficult behaviours. If you would like to talk about the difficult people in your life and find assertive, rather than aggressive or passive ways of responding, contact me by email.
