Linguistic mistakes
We are all likely to experience difficulties in relationships at some stage in our lives, whether with family and friends, or with colleagues at work. The language we use can have a powerful impact on our interactions. It could trigger difficulties or ideally enhance relationships.
Have you ever caught yourself making any of the linguistic mistakes below? Your message won’t be effective and using them can affect your mood and confidence adversely.
Read these six tips on what to avoid if you want to get your message across and whilst being respectful to yourself and to the other person:
Ideally or do your best to avoid:
- Aggressive commands likeyou should, you ought, you must, you have to and you can’t. Recipients are likely to jump on the barricades and defend themselves. Think how YOU might feel and react if someone says to you “You should do that”. What they really mean is that THEY want YOU to do it! Instead use the assertive “I” and express what you wish for: I hope you will…or I suggest x,y,z and wonder what you think? Then ask them for their view… and listen to what they say!
- Exaggerationsand accusations for example“You never get things right” or “You’re always getting things wrong”. This causes people to become defensive, paving the way potentially for a row. It is unlikely that they “always” or “never” do or don’t do what you’re suggesting. Pointing the finger can only make matters worse whereas calm discussion without apportioning blame paves the way for dialogue.
- Hesitation and uncertainty, words such as maybe, perhaps or possibly. If you don’t give a clearanswer, youcreate confusion and uncertainty. Be confident, clear and polite about what you do and don’t want. Saying “I’m too tired to meet tonight” is honest & the other person knows where they stand. Better than the uncertain “Possibly. I’ll see how I feel” leaving the other person unsure whether to wait for you or arrange something else. If you mean no, better to say so than ‘um and ah’ until the last minute, causing stress and uncertainty to both of you.
- Causing confusion such as saying: “I don’t mind”. You may think it gives an easy-going impression and avoids rocking the boat; in reality it gives an unclear message. Does it really mean “NO”? It could sound like you don’t care or can’t be bothered or want the other person to take decisions on your behalf, (decisions you may not like). Better to say: “I’d prefer to do x or y. How about you?” The more you are in the habit of saying “I don’t mind”, the harder it will become for you to make decisions at all!
- Apologetic and subservient expressions such as “I only need a minute of your time”, “Sorry to ask”, “Sorry to disturb you”, “I just want to ask” “I wonder if you could possibly…?” Such expressions will reduce your effectiveness, stop you being taken seriously. Instead be clear about what you want: “I’d like to ask your advice on…” is far more confident than “I just want to ask….”
- Disaster words such as “hopeless”, “dreadful” “terrible” and “I can’t stand it”. You’re unlikely to feel on top of the world if these melodramatics are part of your everyday vocabulary! They can also put the dampers on those you’re talking to.
In summary
- Instead of saying “You should” ask if they’d consider doing x or y and instead of saying “I should” tell yourself “I could”
- Instead of accusing people with “You never”, simply state the facts as opposed to making judgements
- Instead of saying “possibly” or “perhaps”, be clear with your “yes” or “no” and with your timing, so that neither of you are left with uncertainty
- Instead of saying “I don’t mind” think about your preferences and be clear
- Instead of asking hesitantly with “I’d just like to ask”, ask confidently “I’d like to ask”
- Instead of using miserable melodrama like “foul” and “horrendous”, state the facts and be specific
It’s easy to stop linguistic mistakes by:
a) Being aware of the words and phrases that undermine others
b) Being aware of the words and phrases with which you undermine yourself
c) Stopping yourself as you are about to say them
d) Using confident and assertive language instead
The one behaviour you can definitely change, if you choose to, is your own. Try using the tips above to communicating assertively and with confidence. Notice the affect on how you feel… and on others’ behaviour and responses.
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