Do you want to assert yourself, yet hold back?
Do you worry
– What people will feel
– What people will think
– What they’ll say
– What they’ll do
if you assert yourself?
If so, you are not alone. Clients often bring such issues to coaching. They say how they bottle up their feelings and suppress their needs and wishes to avoid conflict and disagreement.
It is an understandable worry. However, it is likely to be to your own detriment if you push your feelings, opinions and wishes under the carpet.
Making changes
Being assertive involves:
1. Knowing what assertiveness is
2. Being aware of your behaviour and its impact on others
3. Carefully considering strategies and
4. Learning skills to convey your message clearly, politely, diplomatically and with integrity.
However, underlying this practical knowledge is a need for you to believe you have the right to assert yourself. The Assertive Charter of Personal Rights (Assertion’s very own Magna Carta) puts forward the concept that you have that right, thereby empowering you to think and act assertively.
This new blog series explores some of these rights, what they mean and how you can act on them. There are fourteen assertive rights. This blog focuses on Right Number One.
Right No 1: “I have the right to be treated with respect as an equal human being whatever my perceived role or status in life” (Lucy Seifert)
Clients often tell me they have difficulty saying what they want to people who have a particular knowledge, expertise or status. Examples include: doctors, lawyers, car mechanics, line managers and senior managers.
Here are ten tips to give you the courage to be assertive in such situations:
- Be very clear what you want to achieve
- Plan carefully what you want to say
- Make notes beforehand to refer to
- Show respect for the other person’s knowledge
- Be courteous
- Put your own point of view, needs and feelings respectfully and appropriately
- Ask clearly for what you want to be done differently
- Avoid blaming or judgemental comments
- Thank the person for listening and/or for agreeing to what you ask
- Keep reading and saying to yourself this Personal Right to give you the courage to address who and what you want
Examples
- To a decorator whose work you’re unhappy with
Unassertive: You haven’t done a very good job, have you! Look, you can see the old paint still. You’d better redo it. (This uses “You” statements and puts the person down. It could adversely affect the relationship)
Assertive: Thanks for what you’ve done so far. I’ve noticed that on this wall, where the darker paint was, the old paint still shows through so I’d like you to /be grateful if you’d give it another coat of paint. (This uses “I” statements, avoids “You” statements, uses facts not judgements and makes a clear statement without sarcasm)
- To a doctor about medication
Unassertive: Accepting a doctor’s prescription to take new medication, without checking the possible side-effects or asking for information, when you are very worried about the possible side-effects
Assertive: I appreciate you think this is the best treatment. However, I am rather concerned about the possible side-effects and I’d like to ask you what I can expect and what to do if x or y occur?
(If you are not happy with the reply) Given my concerns about this, what other options are there?
It is, of course, important that you listen to and discuss with the doctor to ensure you have the best possible treatment for your condition whilst seeking the information you require to help you make decisions
In summary
You have the right to assert yourself and It pays to be polite, appreciative and clear when you make your needs known. Mutual respect and diplomacy are more likely to produce a positive response and, whatever the outcome, you will keep your integrity.
To find out more, contact me or find my daily assertiveness tips on Twitter.
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