THE SKILLS TO SAY ‘NO’ – BLOG 3 OF 3

Once you feel you have right to say “NO”, there is the question of how to say it. These core skills will help your confidence and spontaneity in saying “NO”.

1. Recognise when you want to say “NO” and avoid knee jerk reactions to try to please
2. Be clear and specific. Say ‘No’ or ‘I don’t want…’, not ‘can’t’ or ‘possibly’ or ‘perhaps’.

1. Use assertive body language.       Be clear, speak up without shouting and maintain eye contact
2. Empathize.   Show that you understand the other person’s point of view. For example, ‘I can understand you want the groundwork to be done soon, but I don’t want to start anything new this week.’
3. Self-disclosure. If difficult feelings get in the way of saying no, self-disclose them. For example, ‘I feel awkward refusing, but I don’t want to start a new project this week.’ Self-disclose your feelings about the effect of the request. For example, ‘I’d feel pressured if I begin the next project when I’m finalising the details on this one and feel it could adversely affect it.’
4. Benefits.Sell the benefits. For example, ‘If I start the project next week, I can give it my undivided attention.’
5. Negative enquiry.Check whether your refusal presents a real problem. For example, ‘What problems do you envisage if I start next week rather than this week?’
6. Question assertively. Ask questions to try to resolve any difficulties. For example, ‘What do you think we could usefully do in the meantime?’
7. If you are undecided about the request, be clear and specific. For example, ‘I’m not sure. I’d like to think it over. I’ll call you on Tuesday at 2 p.m. and let you know. I trust this is OK for you?’
8. If all else fails, remember you have the right to change your mind. For example, ‘I know I agreed to start the project in mid-September, but I now realise it isn’t practicable and I’d like to start in October.’

There are many positive consequences of a polite, assertive refusal since everyone knows where they stand and it is a key factor in enhancing your self-respect.

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