Are you passive, aggressive, or assertive?
I defined and explained assertiveness in my previous blog. You will have seen how behaviour is an important aspect of assertiveness. It’s also something that everyone can change if they choose to. The first step is to discover where your own current behaviours fall; are they passive, aggressive, indirect, assertive or a complete mix?
Behaviours can vary too according to your mood, whether you’re feeling tired or unfit or conversely energetic and fit. They can also vary according to whom you’re communicating with. For example, you may feel more assertive with some friends or family than with others. Some people feel more intimidated by an “expert” such as a doctor or lawyer or by someone in authority, such as the boss!
Here’s a behaviour quiz to try. Underline or bold all the behaviours you identify in yourself and answer the questions below.
Passive
Vague, subservient, inhibited, self-pitying, avoidance, put self down, waiting, loser, ineffectual, cowardly, victim, powerless, ‘I don’t mind’.
Aggressive
Demanding, uncompromising, arrogant, blaming (directly), refuse to listen, put others down (to their face), pressurising, hurtful, pushy, loud, winner, power over, disempowering.
Indirect
Judgemental, manipulative, deceitful, blaming (indirectly), half-listen, put others down (behind their backs), reacting, vengeful, pressurising, emotional bribery, martyr, powerless, ‘I don’t mind’.
Assertive
Use ‘I’, direct, honest, accept responsibility, listen attentively, respect self/others, initiating, forgiving, effective, spontaneous, realist, power within, empowering.
Assertiveness Exercise
Copy and paste the above four lists, then print the file or use a format you can edit.- Bold or underline the characteristics you identify in yourself.
- Are you mainly one behaviour type, or are you a mixture? What is the mix?
- What behavioural characteristics are you pleased you have?
- What behavioural characteristics would like to change?
Copy and pasteReproduced from Training for Assertiveness, by Lucy Seifert, Gower Publishing, Aldershot
It can be interesting to see what you find from this ‘quiz’. Perhaps you are more assertive than you thought, or it may reveal characteristics that you hadn’t realised. Whichever it may be, this is not meant as a vehicle for self-criticism or judgement, but rather the first steps towards making the assertiveness changes you wish to make.
Assertiveness coaching is a powerful way of developing your assertivenes skills, helping you feel more confident and communicate more effectively. During your sessions we on focus on people and situations you wish to address, identify strategies and how to use assertiveness skills effectively.
You are welcome to arrange a 20-minute initial conversation at a nominal fee of £15 to ask any questions and explore how coaching can work for you. This £15 is deductible from your first session payment or package of sessions. (Book here.)
You are also welcome to sign up for my occasional newsletter for further tips and advice about achieving positive change.
