Avoid these pitfalls to assert yourself
Do you find it hard to say “No”?
When someone asks you to do something that you really don’t wish to do, does your heart ever say “no” yet your mouth opens & says “yes”?
It can be difficult for so many reasons: feeling mean or guilty, having a sense of obligation, worry as to what the other person will think, concern not to offend, wanting to please …
If you find it hard to say an assertive “no”, do you ever say “no” in these unassertive ways?
- – Change the subject
- – Act grumpy
- – Say “I’ll think about it” but don’t
- – Pull a face
- – Make excuses “I’m going out” when you’re not
- – Say “I don’t mind” when you do mind
- – Try to make them feel guilty so they’ll withdraw their request
- – Say “Yes” but sabotage it by not doing it
Three unassertive behaviours: pay offs & the price you pay
There are three unassertive behaviours to avoid.
(1) Passive behaviour
Passive behaviour means saying ‘yes’ but meaning ‘no’, nodding agreement while sighing inside, avoiding the person or the issues, evading questions and keeping eyes averted. It means being unable to decide and therefore putting off saying ‘no’ until the situation is overtaken by events. Passive people say an unconvincing ‘no’, then get wrapped up in apologies and justifications until they end up saying ‘yes’ after all. For example.
A: ‘Will you take these letters to the post office for me?’
B: ‘Sorry, I’d love to, but I really haven’t the time.’
A: ‘But it’ll only take a few minutes.’
B: ‘Oh, all right then.’
The Price you pay
A person who says ‘no’ passively thinks it’s a way of avoiding conflict or unpopularity. His/her needs and wishes are denied and therefore they may feel inner conflict & resentment.
It leads to misunderstandings, as the receiver may assume that the giver is agreeable to their request in the absence of a clear ‘no’.
(2) Aggressive behaviour
Aggressive behaviour means giving a loud, blunt ‘no’, probably without explanation even when it’s appropriate. It can hurt or intimidate if you go on the attack: ‘How dare you ask me to do that!’ The receiver feels belittled and guilty for asking in the first place. This sometimes reminds us of a childhood ‘telling off’, the wagging finger and blunt ‘no’, the denial of the child’s right to ask questions.
The Price you pay
If you act aggressively, you might get your own way initially. However, in the long run, others avoid asking you, or even avoid contact with you whilst resenting you. There are lots of unspoken, difficult feelings, and misunderstandings can follow. By speaking in an aggressive tone, it can prevent proper dialogue and others may well lose respect for you,
(3) Indirect behaviour
There are many ways of indirectly refusing a request: think of all those excuses and fabrications: ‘Sorry, I’m working late’; ‘I can’t come to the office party, I’ve nothing suitable to wear’; ‘I’m cat sitting for friends this weekend’. An indirect person might go out reluctantly to a business reception, then sigh, sulk and moan all evening. If he/she is not enjoying it, he/she certainly doesn’t want anyone else to be happy. Have you ever produced sub-standard work because you’ve reluctantly agreed to do unpaid overtime? Have you ever had a convenient last-minute headache or other ailments to see you through that eleventh-hour cancellation?
The Price you pay
When people are indirect, they avoid saying ‘no’ directly thinking they’ll pre-empt anticipated conflict by first appearing to agree, but later finding a way to break the arrangement. The indirect person worries constantly until he/she finally manages to get out of it. Others tend to be distrustful of indirect people, being unsure if they can rely on their answer. Others may feel angry, irritated and confused by the indirect person’s unpredictable and two-faced behaviour.
Summary
The inability to say “no” is stressful: you end up doing what you don’t want to do; others may find it easy to take advantage and push your boundaries. When you avoid saying ‘no’ clearly (assertively), or sound as if you don’t mean it, you can mismanage situations and relationships, and cause anxiety to yourself and to others. A lack of clarity may leave others feeling annoyed. Rather than avoiding conflict, you may create and perpetuate it, along with mistrust and confusion. When you say no bluntly and sharply, it closes down current and even future conversations.
So it’s far better to be assertive, being honest to yourself and honest with others, and doing so politely thereby keeping the path open for genuine dialogue.
Next Step
It’s tempting to avoid saying NO – but you can see the difficult situations that can arise – for yourself and others if you are passive, aggressive or indirect. Communicating assertively can help you to handle these circumstances – and say NO where appropriate, with a calm confidence. Life coaching can assist you in achieving this positive change.
© Lucy Seifert Reproduced in part from Training for Assertiveness by Lucy Seifert Published by Gower Publishing
